“It’s not that I don’t love him. It’s just that I’m afraid of telling him the truth” explained my client. She had fallen deeply in love and, naturally, she concluded that she had met ‘the one’.
Now, 9 months into their relationship, my client was confused. Her feelings of love remained as strong as ever but she found herself on an emotional roller coaster. Her boyfriend was loving, attentive and kind most of the time and then would ignore her phone calls for days.
My client had a strong desire to have an authentic, conscious relationship. She was open to discovering how this relationship would move her towards true love. Not love based on likes or dislikes, or on trying to win approval, or ignoring her own needs for the sake of her partners. Rather, a love that illuminates the Truth; that everyone is connected as one, as Love.
Fortunately she was learning to strengthen her emotional container. She knew that her feelings and emotions were not the best gauge of the truth of her experience. She recognized that her boyfriend’s behavior gave her practice in seeing through her contracted emotions, strengthening her ability to navigate uncertainty and upset, a skill she had not developed as a child.
It’s rare that children are given the necessary safety and security from their parents to learn how to process fear and intense emotion. Many children cope by withdrawing their life energy from their physical and emotional bodies to minimize feeling pain and discomfort. My client recognized that her boyfriend’s behavior reminded her of her mother who was occasionally engaged and present, but mostly emotionally absent.
With practice, my client learned to maintain her energy and consciousness throughout her physical, emotional and mental bodies, whilst staying in the relationship dance with her boyfriend. As she did this her perception was increasingly informed by the intelligence of her heart. She became clearer of two seemingly opposite truths. One, that her boyfriend’s behavior was not a good fit for her, and two, that she truly loved him.
In her everyday mind these two perceptions were incompatible. Yet, the more she was open to experiencing both, instead of trying to understand, or reconcile them, she began to see that her love was as strong as it was because she saw herself in her boyfriend. Not only did she see that her insecurities were similar to his, she also saw what was deeper – the love that lies underneath all contracted human states.
In many relationships where two people share similar unhealed aspects of consciousness, their contracted emotional states become merged. Each person’s individuality gets lost and unhealthy patterns can only occur and reoccur. However, because my client began to operate from a mature heart center, instead of becoming entangled with him, she was able to stay focused on seeing the love mirrored back from his soul.
She began to experience that she and her partner were aspects of the same intelligence that is love. The more she saw this Truth, the more his actions no longer triggered her. She simply saw that his behavior arose out of unhealed aspects in him. She also saw how she could be honest with her boyfriend about the relationship not being right for her, and remain in a state of love towards him.
In ending the relationship my client had found true love, a clarity of perception which, when allowed, can only guide you into a greater state of love.
How is your perception of true love maturing? Come share in the comments below.
P.S. If you’re curious to find out how to tap into the intelligence and wisdom of love already inside you, drop me a line. We’ll have a chat to find out what’s going on for you and how you can live with greater ease, happiness and freedom.
True love is our nature!
‘Falling in Love’ is what we experience when our pathology resonates / vibrates with someone who shares a similar pathology.
Similar cures similar….when the healing is complete, the resonance ends and the romance is ‘done’
True Love is our nature! Isn’t that the Truth, James! I’ve noticed that when two individuals have a sincere desire to cultivate an authentic and conscious relationship, it is possible for them to resolve the shared contracted patterns in a mutually beneficial way. Both partners ‘wake up’ together. Their perceptions shift into greater clarity as one movement. In these instances falling in love continues to occur. Except it’s not a falling in love based on the resonance they share around what is imbalanced in them, rather a falling into the Love that is at their core, and IS the core of Life.
Dear Fiona,
I’ve been chewing on this blog for a few days now, “chewing” on your words.
Two thoughts come to mind. First, your words remind me of a dharma talk I recently listened to by Tara Brach on forgiveness. Tara was saying forgiving – or loving someone – doesn’t imply you can’t say no, choose not to see another person again, set boundaries, etc. That’s what I hear you saying, too – we can honor our needs/leave a relationship and keep the love for another person in our heart.
Your words also helped me synthesize some of my own learning of late. It’s particularly powerful for me as learning how to separate what is mine from what is someone else’s – especially as a highly sensitive empath! – has been a primary area of growth for me these past few years.
Thank you for the food for thought!
In love and care, Karly
Your point around forgiveness is so important, thanks for raising it, Karly. Yes, absolutely…forgiveness, which is made possible by love, does not mean resuming or continuing in a relationship. I remember reading something by Marianne Williamson which struck a chord with me, she wrote something like; “forgiving someone does not necessarily mean that you go out to lunch with them”. Love is what washes away any bitterness or resentment towards another and helps you see really clearly who and what is a fit for you in life. And, this clarity also aids communication to navigate a relationship, whether you continue in it or not. Above all, there is no separation between all beings, for all beings arise out of the same energy and consciousness, which is Love. When we let go a relationship, we cannot sever the underlying bonds of Love. We simply make a stand for a purer, more conscious version of what Love looks like in relationship.
In appreciation and love, Fiona
I found the article and your reply Fiona so helpful in understanding my relationship journey with my husband and it’s fuel for our joint awakening into wholeness. Thirty years ago it started with difficult challenges but through our joint commitment to work, to seeing through and letting go of illusions we both have opened deeper into “Love” and continue to support each other in greater awakening. Our “Love” has shifted from the initial Lustfullness and absorption in each other to support in awakening into the “Love” that we naturally are. What a ride it is!
You describe true love so beautifully, Mariah. Awakening into the Love that you both are, can only deepen and become more full. You are deepening into the infinite substance of Life itself. To you, as Love. Fiona
This topic brings up a few questions for me as I am currently struggling with one of my main relationships. Can you please say more about the idea of unhealed aspects of consciousness and how these thing show up reflected in others? I have patterns of behavior that have appeared in multiple relationships, so rather than break up (which I have done in the past) to remove myself from the discomfort of the behavior, I feel like it will just continue to show up until I learn to deal with it. Why not take the opportunity while in relationship to learn and grow from it? Also, if your partner has their own behavior patterns that you don’t necessarily like (like the boyfriend in the story who didn’t call back for days), do these say something about you? If it is a trigger for you, does it say something about you? I hope I am not being too ambiguous and that you can shed some light on these questions for me! Thanks, Fiona…
Hello Anna,
I’m so glad you are asking this question. What I mean about unhealed aspects of consciousness is simply this; all kinds of hurts, misguided conclusions and limiting beliefs get in the way of having a 360 degree perception that each of us is love. This is the beauty of relationship; others can be a reflection showing us how we are getting in the way of experiencing the love at our core.
In the case of the client in this Heart Notes, she had invited her partner to grow and heal together but he was unwilling. Instead, she continued in her own growth to the point where his behavior no longer was a trigger. At this point she discovered that she still had genuine love for him but was no longer drawn to have a relationship with him.
The idea that every situation will show us what we need to transform in us us, can be misunderstood. I wrote about this in a previous Heart Notes: https://fionamoore.com/mirror-mirror-on-the-wall/
It’s important not to interpret what is being reflected as showing only what is ‘wrong’ with you. Awakening the Heart is about remembering that at your core you are already love.
When you examine yourself and your actions with compassion and self love you will find love and healing reveals itself, and with this comes clarity and clear discernment about how to navigate relationships and life events which support your highest wellbeing.
I hope this helps. If you’d like to go deeper, feel free to contact me privately: Fiona@FionaMoore.com