A client recently shared an update with me.
She described how her relationship with her partner is unfolding with ‘miraculous’, ‘amazing’ and ‘unbelievable’ shifts.
We’ve been working on healing her habit of people pleasing. Clearly, a tipping point has been reached.
What is people pleasing all about?
Signs of people pleasing
- Believing it’s your job to make a relationship work.
- Reluctance to ask for what you want and need from another person for fear of causing conflict, being a burden or feeling disappointed.
- Working hard to please others but feel trapped, dissatisfied or invisible.
Why would anyone do this?
We tend to want to feel connected with other people. People pleasing behavior can appear like a good connection is happening.
How people pleasing builds walls
Being kind and attentive to others is a wonderful thing. But, trying to please people by ignoring your own needs undermines genuine connections.
When we deny our desires we shut out other people by not letting them see or know our needs, wants and preferences.
Over time we starve ourselves from not having what we really want. This creates an invisible wall and feelings of disconnect and dissatisfaction.
The person we’re trying to please may have never asked us to discount our needs but nevertheless experiences the wall.
Eventually, the other person seems to be the ‘problem’ causing us to feel as though we’re invisible in the relationship.
The remedy
My client began with her facing her fear and insecurity. She questioned her belief that if she didn’t please her partner their relationship would fail.
Instead of looking to her partner to be the source of safety and love she turned within – to her heart. She anchored her sense of self in the truth of her being and began to feel unshakable security and peace.
From this place she gained clarity on her needs and wants. She then felt natural courage to share her desires with her partner without attachment or guilt.
Her honesty and authenticity allowed her partner to really get to know her and encouraged him to share what he truly wanted and needed.
Now, their conversations are fluid. When their wants and needs conflict, fresh and novel ways of meeting each others desires arise in the synergy of being open to each other.
They’re not all the way to paradise but when people pleasing arises she finds safety and clarity in the fullness of her heart and feels free to be herself again.
Over to you
Once you realize your true self is whole and at peace, people pleasing to feel good about yourself or a relationship no longer makes sense.
You feel safe, connected and fulfilled simply by being anchored in your heart. From here you become aware we are one infinite being.
In the absence of fear of loosing connection with another nothing will stop you from opening to your true desires and creating a pathway to have your desires met.
Be you. Nothing is more pleasing than that.
Love,
Fiona
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