“I feel disconnected from my partner. We’re growing apart. He believes something different to me, and I’m afraid to talk about it because I don’t want to have a difficult conversation.”
The stand off has begun. The desire to be close is smothered by the fear of a difficult conversation. But not talking only deepens the divide.
What transforms difficult conversations? Let’s explore.
The Dangerous Path
Conflict arises when beliefs are taken to be true.
Taking beliefs to be true is not a wrong-ness. It’s what we all do. Human beings take their beliefs to be true until they don’t.
Living by beliefs is a dangerous path.
Sooner or later you’ll encounter another person who holds a different belief, perhaps a completely opposite one.
This foundation contains the seeds for upset, rifts and war.
Castles
The more you cling to beliefs the more you identify with your beliefs. The more you identify with your beliefs the more your beliefs dictate and limit your choices and actions.
A challenge to your belief (even from a loved one) feels like a personal attack and triggers feeling threatened.
Feeling threatened triggers the survival impulse to fight to protect yourself and ends up with you becoming a castle of defensive attitudes and actions. Or taking flight to avoid, minimize and suppress your true desire.
When the other person is identified with their beliefs two castles exist and the relationship ensues with each person throwing accusations and insults over the castle wall, or storming off the battle field.
Either way, the distance between you widens as each person appears more separate, hostile and unavailable.
This is painful, so let’s keep going.
Hold Beliefs Lightly When Having Difficult Conversations
The Persian poet, Rumi, said:
Out beyond ideas of wrong doing and right doing there’s a field. I’ll meet you there.
He points to the space; infinite, quantum field of consciousness – that lives beyond the confines of beliefs.
Here, in this space, possibilities for healing and solutions exist that go beyond what your mind thinks is possible.
Be Transparent in Difficult Conversations
Hold beliefs lightly. Lift the edges. Let them breathe. Explore ideas that go against what you take to be true.
See beliefs for what they are. A thought that appears solid because you feed it by believing it.
Let beliefs loosen and evolve in the light of fresh information that resonates with your heart.
Now, lightly held, without the need to defend, notice how it’s possible own – and let go – beliefs as opposed to beliefs owning you.
Notice, by letting beliefs breathe, listening deepens. Your heart listens, for what resonates, not for what agrees with your beliefs.
Feel the Other
As beliefs become less substantial your true nature shines through the filter of beliefs as clarity, empathy, compassion and perspective.
See your partner from unconditional love at the core of your being.
Feel what lives beneath their castle walls. It’s usually fear and insecurity. Sense your shared humanity, not your separate-ness.
Let the space between you become the alchemic field Rumi points to. Where love becomes the foundation of your relating.
Allow your conversation to shift into being open and honest as opposed to being a battle of beliefs.
Devote yourself to this path. Little by little, new, creative ways of moving forward in harmony will reveal.
The togetherness you long for is here. The gateway is your heart.
Love,
Fiona
Join us in the next Awakening Circle
In the Awakening Circle we gently question what we take to be true and real to discover who we are free of the straightjacket of beliefs, assumptions and memories about who we think we are and what we believe is real.
In the presence of others who support this inquiry it’s delightful to share in the energetic and perceptual shift as the freedom, joy and love of our true nature breaks free.
If you’re curious to experience deep, stable, peace, security, happiness and wellbeing join us in the next Awakening Circle.
