Last week I celebrated with a friend. Her daughter is stepping away from using recreational drugs to embark on a path of recovery.
Part of her healing curriculum involves identifying all the ways she’s treated herself badly; self criticism, self sabotage, that kind of thing, to replace these behaviors with more positive ones.
This got me thinking about self help approaches which stress the importance of learning to love yourself.The background to many of the ‘love yourself’ approaches goes like this…
A Case of Mistaken Identity
If you’re like most people it’s likely you grew up absorbing the ideas and beliefs of your parents, teachers, society and culture. And, as you grew older, you either embraced these ideas or rebelled against them, or a bit of both.
Sometimes this early conditioning delivers a life of peace and contentment but for most folks trying to live out of the expectations of others only leads to struggle. Why? Because you’re not living from your core, that essence of you that knows who you really are. Another way of saying this is you create a false self, which can only cause pain and discomfort because you’re not being true to yourself.
Loving Yourself Is An Important Step
This pain usually goes one of two ways. It either generates behaviors to numb out the pain, or acts as a catalyst for healing. My friends’ daughter had tried the former route, found it only created more hurt, and is now seeking the latter. So far, so good. She is beginning to seek Love.
Getting in touch with what really resonates with you, from the food you eat to the people you hang out with to the work you do…really knowing all of this at a deep level is a natural consequence of healing.
But this shift doesn’t come about by simply learning kindness or how to pamper yourself. It comes about because you discover a new equation.
You are not 2. You are 1.
The problem with the ‘love yourself’ path is that it tends to lead to a state of separation. From what? From knowing all the way into your bones that you are Love.
If you’re trying to love yourself there’s a you that’s doing the loving and there’s a you that’s being loved. So you’re creating two of you. You might need to read that bit again. I want you to get really curious here.
I’m not saying don’t treat yourself lovingly. Being kind to yourself is a critical step on the healing journey. I’m saying don’t stop there. When you listen deeply your Heart always whispers to go beyond reconditioning your mind or behaviors to awaken all the way to the Love you’ve always been and always will be.
A Handy Tip
The next time you ask yourself ‘what would be a loving thing for me do for myself?’ let go looking for an answer. Place the question lightly in your Heart. Feel into the sensations in your Heart.
Gently open to the sensations. Welcome them. Don’t analyze. Simply let your conscious attention read your Heart.
Then go about your day. Your Heart will guide you towards what ever action or non action is an expression of Love.
And you may be surprised. Just as my friend was when she discovered that her heart sometimes responds with what she usually thinks of as self loving actions, like going for a walk or sitting in the sun, and at other times it nudges her to go clean out her garage or initiate a conversation she’s been avoiding.
What is your heart saying about the Love you are and
what this looks like?
Share and comment below.
Dear Fiona,
I loved this post because I too think of loving yourself as a deeper thing than a you that loves you. When I think of self-love, I really think of it as the connecting to my heart and soul and the Divine in me. When I feel this connection, I am loving myself! And when I am loving myself, I am feeling this connection!
Thanks!
Linda Graziano
Beautifully said Linda. Yes, the connection to Love only increases the flow of Love that you are and all of LIfe is.
The Love that I am, not trying to be, has taken me to a new understanding and freedom of being. Your statement that “Love is more than an emotion, it is a force that transforms and heals whatever it touches” has been the foundational beginning of transformation in my life. As the “knowing” of that thought continues to expand I created this little two line poem I start my day with.
“Anyone I touch today,
Will be healed in some way.”
Thanks Fiona, you said things in a way I finally could hear it. Can’t thank you enough.
You are welcome as ever Don. And what and who we touch as conscious Love we too are touched. Have a beautiful day.
Knowing I am love keeps me from looking outside myself for love, nurturing, healing, anything!
Yes, knowing you are Love keeps your consciousness close to your core, your true alignment rather than scattering your energy and light. And you find all you are seeking at your core. And as you stay steady with your core energies the other beings and situations in your life will begin to mirror this alignment back to you and, as though miraculously, begin to flow to you more light, joy, peace and all good things. Thanks for your comment Leslie!